


Slowly, then all at once

by genius2mania



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/F, Firsts, Flirting, Fluff, Getting Together, Getting to Know Each Other, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, LGBTQ Themes, Lesbians in Space, Love, Pining, Space Wives, Yearning, and all the small moments that build up into the wonderful relationship they have, and trust each other with parts of themselves they'd never share with anyone else, come along on the ride, how they learn and grow and compromise for each other, let them process the trauma dammit, look I just have a lot of feelings about these two, so there
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-27
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-18 12:36:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,520
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29733999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/genius2mania/pseuds/genius2mania
Summary: a collection of moments, big and small.each moment stands for itself, but all together, they paint the picture of two women, learning and growing together, falling for each other slowly, then all at once.[tags will be updated as chapters are published; rating might change along the way; I don’t have all of this written yet so it’ll be irregular updates]
Relationships: Kathryn Janeway/Seven of Nine
Comments: 11
Kudos: 42





	1. Puppy Love

The bridge crew watches carefully as Seven stalks out from the Captain's ready room. Sometimes they wonder how she can exude even more raw fury with a straight back and forceful steps than if she were screaming and growling.

As it is, a room of eyes follows her brusquely walk into the turbo lift and then, when the doors close, snap to the ready room.

5, 4, 3, 2, 1... when the doors don't open, the entire room heaves a sigh of relief. They know it won't be pretty if the Captain decides to coil her anger up inside and "distract" herself by working the bridge.

* * *

Today, when you leave your ready room, you can barely wait to finish your shift and hand over command to the next rotation. On the way to your quarters the fight replays in your mind, as it has for the last hours. Not for the first time you find yourself wondering how the seemingly impassive and "feelings are irrelevant" Borg can push your buttons quite so effectively. You're _tired._ You've been clashing more and more lately and it's starting to get to you.

When even a whiskey and your favorite book doesn't stop your thoughts from wandering to the blonde and her quiet fury, you decide to bring out the big guns. Dressed in comfortable slacks and a sweater you make your way to the holodeck, take a look around and call up Janeway-M-116. Nobody knows about this program, gifted to you by Phoebe, and you want it to stay that way.

It doesn't take long until a flash of reddish brown fur comes rushing at you, knocking you onto your back, yipping excitedly. You can't stop the laughter then, accosted by a wet and excited tongue.

'Who's a good girl? You are! Ohmygosh Molly you'll squash me one of these days!' The flash darts up and barks, obviously up for playtime at this point. The knot in your stomach starts to loosen at the joy this bundle of wild energy brings. Molly drops a frisbee at your feet and you fall into the easy rhythm of throwing, watching her chase, reclaiming, let the monotony of the movements take over all conscious thought.

After a while you decide to walk around the park, to the other dogs that are programmed to mill about. When you arrive at the small sanded area, you notice a few dogs you haven't seen before. Among them a small, fluffy thing that behaves like it doesn't actually know it's one of the smallest dogs there.

It has taken up residence under a bench and while it's tightly curled up in a ball, it barks and growls at the other dogs and even your even-tempered Molly is getting worked up at the antics of the little giant-at-heart. You almost tells the computer to just _delete the dog_ but then it whimpers and pulls back further under the bench.

With a sigh you give the command to delete every dog except for the little white fluff ball and Molly. You have Molly lie down a few steps away, then you sit down in front of the bench on the ground, hand relaxed but stretched towards the little bundle and wait.

You wait until the low growling stops. Until the fast panting dies down. Until you hear a few sniffs. When you feel something tender and wet against your hand you force yourself to stay relaxed. Your fingers wiggle, beckoning the ball of rage to explore further. A tentative tongue swipes across your open palm and you smile.

'Hey, little one' you coo and the responding nudge against your hand allows you to finally make contact and run long fingers through white, soft fur. That earns you an excited whine and so you slowly rack up the energy until that ball of fury turns into an excited puppy running circles around you. Laughing and playing with the little one has piqued Molly's interest and she slowly inches closer, desperate to be part of the fun.

With your backing the pup is more relaxed. Still unsure but more confident it slowly sniffs out Molly, jumping back comically when its snout is licked and then absolutely unstoppable when it starts running and jumping excitedly at Molly.

'You just needed someone in your corner, huh, little one?' you quip and as soon as the words leave your lips you let out a groan and put your head in your hands. **That's** what it was. You started out in Seven's corner but as time moved on you had let the Captain take over more and more. Now, Seven finds herself isolated on a ship full of strangers, and the only person that had always been supportive of her suddenly had to discipline her.

Seven needs you, more than anyone else, to be _Kathryn_. At least sometimes. Something stirs in you at that, a little like fear, a little like excitement. You've been _Captain_ Janeway non-stop for so long that the prospect of letting anyone get close to Kathryn is daunting. With a long look at the little ball of fluff that just needed some support, you decide there's no time like the present.

'Computer, locate Seven of Nine'

'Seven of Nine is in Cargo Bay 2' your brow quirks. At least she's consistent.

'Is she regenerating?'

'Readings do not indicate a regeneration cycle at this point.'

'Must be my lucky day' you mumble dryly. 'Janeway to Seven of Nine. Please join me in Holo Deck 2.' You hold your breath as the seconds tick by, not sure if Seven will comply after the fight you've had earlier. It takes her longer than usual to reply, and you're pretty sure you know what is going through her mind.

'I will arrive shortly, Captain.' finally comes. You exhale a sigh of relief and ready yourself for Seven's arrival, letting Kathryn take the lead for once.

* * *

You don't know what you expected, but Captain Janeway in a sweater, sitting crosslegged on the holographic dirt with two dogs happily chasing around her, looking more relaxed than you've ever seen her before, was decidedly **not it**. It's enough to stop you in your tracks. You had been sure that another wave of arguments was ahead when you agreed to come, and now the proverbial wind has been taken out of your sails.

Janeway looks up at you then, with that lopsided grin and motions for you to come closer. You find you can't do anything but comply. With a nod and a tentative 'Captain?' you tilt your head, trying to understand what's happening.

'Do me a favor Seven, call me Kathryn while we're here, ok? Molly doesn't know who the Captain is and I'd rather keep it that way.'

As if she just remembered her manners, one of the dogs breaks off her chase and comes bounding over. You tense, knowing canines in theory and in practice are two very different things.

'And that would be Molly', Kathryn dryly states. 'Don't worry, she won't hurt you.'

You relax marginally, and when you pull a face after Molly presses her wet snout into your hand, the feeling entirely foreign and slightly disconcerting, Kathryn _chuckles_.

'Molly? Your dog? The one you left behind on earth?' Her eyes turn a stormy grey at your words and you wish you had applied more tact for once. A curious thought. But the look is gone in an instant.

'Yes, that’s her. My sister sent the program with a data stream a little while ago, she wanted me to have something to remind me of home.' Kathryn's eyes become soft, and you realize this moment is a rare personal insight into your Captain. 'It’s bittersweet to come here but there’s few things better for your soul than a couple of dogs and the wind in your face.'

You nod in acknowledgment, unsure how to handle this new side of your Captain. Avoiding the warmth you feel at the admission, you shift your attention back to the setter. Molly is comfortable next to you and seems to be smiling, tongue lolling out of a panting snout. Gingerly, you hold out your hand for Molly to sniff and jerk back when she jumps up and puts her paw in your hands. You look at Kathryn for guidance, unsure what to do and with a wide smile she just motions a handshake.

So, you find yourself shaking Mollys paw and when you lean closer carefully, Molly jumps and licks your face. After the initial surprise, you can’t stop a small smile at the infectious joy. You look up and see a fond look directed at the both of you, and somehow that makes your smile even wider.

'Dogs are energy sponges. She feeds off whatever you put towards her. She senses that you like her.' Kathryn says with a crooked smile 'Try playing tug with her, the rope is over there.'

You're surprised by Mollys strength, but enjoy the purely playful experience. After a while, you feel Kathryn's eyes on you, and when you look up something tugs inside you at the wistful gaze directed at you. Kathryn has settled back against the bench - still on the ground - with the little white fluff ball comfortably in her lap.

Still, you are unsure what Kathryn actually _wants_ from you, wary of the peaceful companionship you're experiencing. You take a few quick steps forward to raise the issue, only to be stopped in your tracks when the unassuming fluff ball jumps up and starts _barking_. Loudly. Kathryn doesn't seem surprised.

'Her bark is worse than her bite. She's a little insecure, unlike Molly she doesn't trust that easily.' She regards the puppy with a fond look. 'Do you want me to help you?' Kathryn asks.

You nod, intrigued, and clarify 'Worse than her bite?'

'It's a Terran saying. Sometimes people - or dogs - can be loud, or aggressive, but they really don't mean to bite, they are mainly trying to protect themselves.' You wonder how to interpret the wry smile directed at you in this moment. 'Sit down, a little further back, and relax.'

So, you find yourself on the ground, inhaling and exhaling deeply, trying to befriend a holographic ball of rage. Kathryn coos, whispers soothing nothings to her, and she calms down enough to regard you with skepticism but no more outright hostility.

'Hold your hands in front of you, just let them lie there. She'll come to you when you're ready.' You look up sharply at that, wondering if Kathryn meant to say something more with her last sentence. But all you see is Kathryn scratching that dog soothingly so you decide to let it go and do as you're told.

After long minutes, the small ball of fluff carefully, slowly approaches your hands and you throw a concerned look at Kathryn. 'Don't do anything, let her set the pace. When she touches you, you can try touching her, carefully.'

You're bemused at the dog now circling and _sniffling_ you, but you wait, vaguely aware that Kathryn is watching you intently. When she speaks, your head snaps up at the words.

'I'm sorry we've been arguing so much Seven. I hope you know that doesn't mean I don't care for you.' She looks pained and you realize you don't like that expression on your Captain, much less being the cause for it. 'It's been a stressful time and I think I got so lost in being your Captain that I neglected being there for you as Kathryn.' You stare at her then, trying to process what Kathryn just told you and that's when you feel a wet snout nuzzle your hand.

Brown eyes are looking at you expectantly from below, so you gently brush over surprisingly soft fur. And then the little ball of floof does something entirely unexpected. She gets comfortable in your lap.

Kathryn lets out a delighted pearl of laughter at that. 'She _likes_ you!' You finds yourself strangely touched by the trust of this little holographic canine and begin petting the small dog. 'Do you want to give her a name?' Kathryn asks.

You furrow your brows, trying to come up with a fitting name. 'How about Holly?' you ask and you're not sure why Kathryn's face suddenly becomes so soft.

Then she nods, smiling wide, 'Yes, that sounds great.'

After a few quiet minutes you look back up at Kathryn. 'I, too, am sorry, _Kathryn_ ,' the name coming over your lips feeling foreign and strangely intimate simultaneously, somehow.

'I have... missed talking to you outside of your duties. I find our interactions greatly increase my general wellbeing.' Kathryn blushes at that and you file the reaction away for later analysis. 'I am more at ease when I understand your motivations, as Captain and as Kathryn.' Kathryn beams at you now and you're oddly pleased with yourself.

'That settles it then, if that's alright with you?' You nod. 'I'm sorry you didn't feel like I had your back. I'm always there for you, I hope you know that.' Kathryn pushes out quickly, and you find yourself touched by the words. You nod, letting another companionable silence fall over you, Molly resting her head on Kathryn's legs.

After a while, Kathryn starts fidgeting with Molly's ears and you wait curiously for the cause. A few more minutes tick by before she picks up your conversation again.

'Would you like to visit this place more often with me? I don't really want to share Molly with anybody else, but... she likes you. And somebody will have to play with little Holly...'

The crooked grin makes you feel something tug at your heart, and with a gentle smile you reply 'I would like that very much, _Kathryn_.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This particular chapter was inspired by a wonderful piece of fanart from Zonchzone on tumblr: https://zonchzone.tumblr.com/post/629568368032268288/janeway-created-a-holodeck-program-just-so-she


	2. Lessons in Buoyancy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Borgs float, don't they?

You can't stop the amused smile at the excited chatter of your officers, even though you should really keep the meeting on topic. But shore leave has just been confirmed, on a beautiful and lush planet no less, and you can't really fault them for their excitement. You indulge in watching them, happy and eager, let yourself take it all in. Only Seven seems to stay out of the conversation. You're not concerned, it's really not in her nature - yet, maybe - to participate in idle chatter.

The conversation moves towards more concrete plans and Tom suggests to take the first two days off as a group, go to the beach together and just unwind. You're secretly quite proud of him for that suggestion, he's excellent in social situations and this is a team building exercise par excellence.

Everyone seems open to the suggestion, but now there's a barely detectable frown on Seven's face and you wonder what _that_ is about. She's participated in social events before, has formed friendships with many of the senior staff. You can't put your finger on it but you suspect there's more than social anxiety behind her apprehension.

After a few more minutes of excited planning you decide to end the meeting and people start filtering out, still engrossed in planning their shore leave. With a small nod you signal Seven to stay behind, she understands and stays - as you knew she would - in her perfect at attention stance, regarding you with a mildly curious expression.

When everyone else has left, she tilts her head and speaks. 'You wanted to talk to me, Captain?'

You nod, briefly wondering why you have this tendency of noting all her micro-expressions, why you're always aware of her on some level. You shake off the thought and begin your inquiry.

'What do you think of Tom's idea?' you get right to the point, knowing she will appreciate the candor.

'It is an appropriate course of action.' she replies, but you notice the slight additional tension in her shoulders and neck, and you know she's not telling you the whole truth.

'Oh yes, I think so too. It will be fun for everyone. Maybe we can even play some water games!' It's just a hunch, but you see her flinch and know you're onto something. You walk around the table to close the distance to her and put your hand on her arm, feeling the need to convey your support physically. 'Seven? What is wrong?' Her eyes flicker from your hand on her arm to the floor and back, and finally fasten onto your pips.

'I... am not certain I can swim.' she says in a quiet voice, strained and laden with self-loathing.

'Oh I'd be happy to teach you! It's really not that hard, I'm sure you'll get it in no time!' The offer is out before you even have time to think about it, and now that you picture it, Seven, small rivers of water running down her chest, in a bathing suit, you feel a blush creep onto your face and you lower your eyes quickly, hoping she doesn't notice.

When she doesn’t reply, you look up at her and see that her eyes seem unfocused and distant, but she has a small smile on her lips and just the faintest hint of a blush is coloring her cheeks. You can’t help but soften at her expression, feeling a sticky gooey look come on without your conscious permission. You squeeze her arm slightly to get her to snap back to your conversation and she blinks a few times before the slight blush intensifies and colors her cheeks a lovely pink.

'I would appreciate that, Captain.' she says, and does her voice sound huskier than usual? You push that thought away, how _odd_ , and nod.

'Alright, I have some Holodeck time saved up, let's meet there tonight and after we can have a bite to eat if that's alright with you?' She nods and you smile, the idea of helping Seven overcome an insecurity so she can participate in shore leave more freely is somehow incredibly rewarding.

After a few beats you realize neither of you has made a move to break the contact, continue the conversation _or_ leave the briefing room. It's comfortable, in the purest sense of the word, and for a few more seconds you allow yourself the indulgence. Then you clear your throat, motioning to the exit with your head, and Seven gets the hint, slowly moves to leave the room and you can't help but watch her back as you follow her out.

* * *

You feel apprehension as you walk up to the Holodeck. Ever since the Captain suggested to teach you how to swim you've had a vibrating feeling right underneath your solar plexus. You believe it is due to a natural fear of drowning, having to conquer it seems almost more effort than it is worth. However, the idea of participating in shore leave, with Kathryn, is a strong motivator. You look forward to seeing her - mostly - free of command, even if just temporarily.

When you step into the Holodeck, the scene in front of you is not as you had anticipated it. You find yourself in a sea of greens and blues. A grassy clearing, engulfed by a thicket of trees and bushes, stretches out around you, a small dirt path winding towards what looks like the sparkling surface of a body of water is ahead. Above you, the sun is shining in a light azure sky and you can hear birds and cicadas chirping. Suddenly, you don't feel like your biosuit was the appropriate choice of clothing.

You decide to walk down the path towards what must be a lake. As you get closer you see a figure drifting in the water, floating serenely with her hands outstretched on her sides while her legs point straight towards you. She's clad in a black one piece bathing suit and if you didn't expect the Captain to be here, you wouldn't have recognized her, so soft and relaxed are her features.

You are loathe to disturb her, so for a few minutes, you just stand there, watching, feeling the sun on your skin and mesmerized by the play of light on the water around her. When you see her stir you call out to her, not wanting to be caught _observing_.

'Captain?' She opens her eyes and a smile breaks out on her face. You're pleased to have this effect on her, why, you're not sure. She shifts into a treading position, now only visible to her arms, and you find you mourn the visual.

' _Kathryn_ , when we're on the Holodeck like this, remember?' you nod and take a few more steps towards the shore.

'I've taken the liberty of laying out some bathing suit choices for you, over there, in that secluded spot behind the trees. Why don't you go change and then we can get you wet?' You start at her last sentence, not sure why, and nod.

'I will be right with you' is what you answer and you turn to go to the area she indicated. She has indeed laid out a selection of choices for you.

There's a dark plum colored full-body swim suit with short arms, a knee-length option, a racer style one piece, a vintage style one piece with ruching in black and white stripes, a blue one piece with short legs, a tankini in silver and a bikini in dark green. The amount of thought that has gone into the selection, _for you_ , **warms your heart, the vibrating feeling in your chest curiously intensifying.

You decide on the racer style one piece, black with a teal zipper and details, and make quick work of changing. You're glad the suit covers your abdominal implants, you haven't been this exposed in front of any other crew member, except for the Doctor. Logically you realize the Captain has been present for a lot of your procedures, knows what your body looks like under the biosuits, but this is different - you're _conscious_ this time. You yourself don't mind the implants running over your body, but you're concerned she'll find them appalling, revolting. Not human enough, too _Borg_. That thought is unacceptable to you, for some reason.

You steel yourself and step out of the little nook created by bushes and trees to walk over to the lake. You stop at the shore, apprehensive about entering the water. The Captain choses that moment to turn back towards you, and for a moment, she just... looks at you? You're not sure what you see in her eyes, but it isn't disgust, it looks more like appreciation in fact, and that is good enough, for now.

She catches herself after a few more beats of roaming you with her eyes and you feel strangely warm. She clears her throat and brushes the moment away, encouraging you to come into the water with a wave of her hand. You step forward gingerly, surprised that the coolness of the water isn't bracing but rather refreshing. Kathryn is walking towards you, and you meet some meters into the lake, where the water just reaches your chest.

'Alright, do you have any specific fears or concerns about swimming?' The Captain asks.

'I am theoretically able to swim but my implants affect my buoyancy. I am concerned that traditional methods will not be effective.' She nods, pondering the issue for a moment.

'We're in the Holodeck, the safeties are on, so nothing can happen to you at all. I suggest we first test your buoyancy in shallow waters here before we move on to deeper waters. There we will practice treading in the water, so you can get used to the strength you need to balance out your increased body mass. If you still feel up to it, we'll get to swimming from there. Does that sound like a plan?' Her confidence makes any doubt in your mind seem irrelevant. She will help you, and you can do this.

'Acceptable. How should we proceed?' She smiles at you.

'Well, it's pretty shallow here. Why don't you see what happens if you lift your feet off the ground?' You regard her skeptically. A look down confirms it's _not that deep_ , but still, you're unsure. She notices. And then, she does something unexpected.

She runs her hands down your arms and takes your hands in hers, holding them out in between both of you. 'I've got you.' she murmurs, and you believe her. So you nod, take a deep breath and lift your feet.

You immediately sink to the bottom of the lake. The water is now chin high and Kathryn, well, she _snorts_. You want to be annoyed, but really, you are amused yourself. You hold your head up high and after a small smile you pull yourself up, with the help of Kathryn's hands that are still in yours.

'Well, I think it's safe to assume you'll have to adjust a little more for your buoyancy.'

She's still chuckling, but stops suddenly, as a thought occurs to her. You know this because you enjoy the way her thoughts play out on her face, make her forehead crinkle just slightly, and give her eyes an extra shine. She delights in solving problems, and in that, you feel a closeness to her, always have. Maybe that single commonality is what connected you from the beginning.

'Let's try something else: I'll hold you, while you float. It'll get you used to the water.'

You're not sure what she means exactly, and it must show on your face. 'I'll demonstrate, if that'll help?' You nod. 'Ok, hold out your hands in front of you, palms up. And just... stay like that.' You comply.

She steps next to you, turns around, and then she lets herself glide onto your arms. Her back rests on your hands and she's looking up at you, trusts you to hold her weight. You tense, her skin hot on your hands, her softness an almost jarring contrast to the coolness of the water.

'Get the idea?' You can't really do anything but nod in that moment, your throat feels too tight. She moves off of your hands easily, as if she's at home here, in the water. It makes a question form in your mind. But she's already standing there, holding out her hands, waiting for you to let yourself fall.

Your descent is not as graceful as hers had been, more stiff and unsure. But you end up feeling her hands hot through your suit, and you realize you're floating. In water. And you're not sinking. A small smile breaks out at that so you look for her, and she's right with you, watching you with a proud expression.

'Good job. Just relax a bit, I've got you.' You attempt to follow her instructions and your mind wanders back to the question that formed just minutes ago.

'Where are we, Kathryn?' It seems you've hit a nerve, because her cheeks color and she averts her eyes for a moment.

'This... is a recreation of a lake near my family's farm in Indiana. It's where I learned to swim, where I spend summers cooling off.' Her eyes are wistful, but not pained. Good.

'Have you had this program for a long time?' You ask, intent to find out more.

'Actually, I put it together today. It felt... appropriate.' She smiles shyly and you are inordinately pleased.

She has put a lot of effort in teaching you this small thing, has gone out of her way really, to provide you with an experience that will make you feel safe. Considering this warms you, and you try to convey your gratitude by grabbing her biceps and squeezing lightly as you put all your feelings into two small words: 'It's beautiful.'

A pleased smile breaks out on her face and she blushes slightly. You make a mental note to touch her more, if that is the reaction it elicits. She starts gently moving you through the water, and the way it rushes over your skin lets goosebumps break out all across your body. Kathryn is still looking at you, smiling softly, and you let your eyes drift closed, enjoy the sensations completely.

* * *

You weren't prepared for the rush of sensation when she finally let go of her fear and relaxed completely in your arms. It feels a little bit like pride, a little like longing, but predominantly, fondness is what you focus on.

You keep moving her through the water, enjoy the way her arm brushes against your skin, a sensation you haven't felt in years now. Come to think of it, you haven't been this physically close to anyone since Voyager left Deep Space Nine, certainly not in this state of undress. With anybody else this thought might have bothered you, but with Seven, it feels natural, only right to be this close. After all, you're just teaching her how to swim, right?

Right. Swimming. Maybe you should be doing more of that. You clear your throat and gently suggest the next step in the swimming lessons.

'I'm going to start reducing my hold on you, ok? When I do just focus on using your feet and arms to tread water, that'll hold you up.' Seven's eyes fly open and there's a hint of concern in them so you are quick to reassure.

'Don't worry, I won't let go right away and I'll be ready to hold you if you end up sinking.' That does it and Seven nods, closing her eyes again and concentrating fully on the task at hand. She's quick to get the hang of this exercise, floating serenely on the water by herself within minutes. It's time to move on to the next step.

'So you've got the hang of this. Let's move on to treading water, ok?' She nods, more confident this time, and you start backing away while she moves back into a standing position. 'The ground drops off a bit back there, why don't you try treading water there? I'll be right there with you.'

You move backwards, enjoying the feeling of floating in the water and wait for Seven to make her way towards you. She seems mostly confident and after a few steps towards you she is chin deep in water and hesitates for a moment. You watch carefully, see the concern morph into determination as she takes a deep breath. She takes the last step forward towards you and then everything happens incredibly fast.

She must have underestimated the strength she needs to keep herself floating because she just _goes under_ and you see the panic in her face in slow motion - the widening of her eyes, the O her lips form. She immediately grabs for you and clamps onto you like a Koala, wrapping herself around you entirely and you can't help but let out an 'oof' at the force with which she seeks your support. It also means you have to expend considerable energy to keep you both up, but you manage, barely. Within seconds she regains some control and lowers her feet to tread water as well, making it easy for both of you to stay floating.

Your body tingles where it had been surrounded by her, and she is still holding on to you tightly, looking for all intents and purposes like a thoroughly drenched golden retriever. You can't stop a wide smile from breaking out, at her face, her state, her arms around you holding tight, all of it. She glowers at you.

'I fail to see the humor in this situation, Captain.' oh-oh. _Captain_ , huh. You have to laugh even more at her seriousness, and when you do, _something_ flashes across her face that looks like amazement, but it's gone in an instant and she quirks her implant up with the corner of her mouth. You know she's amused, or maybe just indulging you. You let your hands fall on her waist, ignoring how soft she is, how the metal bands feel between your fingers and under your hands, and slowly move away from her a bit.

'Ready to try swimming?' You ask, and you're not surprised at all when she gives a fierce nod, determined now to see things through. 'Alright, I'll keep my hands under you again, just like before, ok? You know the movements, correct?'

'Affirmative.' comes out and you know she's nervous if she's back to clipped one-word replies.

You move further away and guide her body under the water into a horizontal position, your hands pressing into her tummy just barely, just enough to give her some stabilization. When she's in position, ready to swim, you prepare yourself to keep up with her and then give her the last command. 'Go ahead, try it!'

She pushes herself forward in one fluid motion and you almost have trouble keeping up with her. After a few strokes she starts smiling and you follow up 'Will you be ok if I let go?'

She throws a brilliant smile over her shoulder and breathlessly says 'Yes!' before you let go and she shoots through the water as if she's been doing this forever. You decide to hang back, just watching the play of her muscles through the water, the way her face has lit up, how she's taking long, elegant and powerful strokes further towards the middle of the lake.

When she's a considerable distance away from you she starts treading water, turns around and looks at you, and then she _waves at you_ and something inside you melts at the free joy she's expressing. You feel beyond honored that she lets you share this with her, and you show it with a brilliant smile and a wave back.

She comes back towards you and you end up swimming together, around each other, until you're in the middle of the lake. There's a platform anchored there, but before you go up you want to see if she's ready for a little dive.

'How about we try diving for a bit?' You can tell she feels safe now because she immediately nods enthusiastically. 'Just hold your breath for as long as you can and don't go down too fast, just stick with me for now, ok?' She nods and you let yourself sink below the water, eyes closed and wait for a few heartbeats until you're no longer sinking but floating.

When you open your eyes, Seven is a vision. Her blonde hair is floating around her face like a halo and the rays of sunlight streaking through the water make her seem like an angelic being as she is floating completely still in the water. Your heart aches at the sight, but Seven has opened her eyes and is obviously keen to explore the underwater world. So you start towards her, brush past her and motion her to follow along.

After a short time you both come up panting, but elated nonetheless. You can't remember seeing Seven smiling this freely and it tugs on your heart. The joy bubbles out of you and laugh as you point to the platform in the middle of the lake.

When you've made it up, she seems a little lost but you just lie down and motion for her to do the same. The sun beats down on you, you can feel the pearls of water on your skin evaporating and the heat coming from Seven lying right next to you. You can't remember the last time you felt so free and joyful, and when she entwines her hand with yours and says ' _Thank you_ Kathryn.' your heart skips several beats.

'Anytime.' is all you can say.

Neither of you acknowledges that she never removes her hand from yours.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by ranejizzoli's prompt in the wonderful J7 Alcove: Janeway teaching Seven to swim for maximum fluff :)


	3. Shut Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes, Kathryn goes to a dark place. Always, Seven wants to help.

Last time, she had shut herself out without any notice. This time, it starts slowly. You notice that she pinches the bridge of her nose 2.5 times more often than average first. Then you see the way her eyes are slightly more squinted than usual. First, you suspect a headache. But when these behaviors don't subside and a new one appears two days later you suspect something of a more personal nature. There are circles under her eyes today.

You feel uneasy but nobody else seems to be concerned, everyone eager to bring the events of the last weeks behind them. The _memories_. You hadn't been affected by the monument, but you remember the haunted faces all around you, the sobs, the ultimate passionate decision to ensure that more people would learn of the atrocities committed here. You had noticed the shudders that ran through her then, when she talked about what _they_ had done, the shame clouding her eyes.

You suggest a walk in Janeway-M-116 and all she has for you is a weak smile and a 'Maybe tomorrow, Seven'. When tomorrow comes the circles have darkened and she doesn't mirror your smile anymore.

After five more days she has limited her life to the bridge, the ready room and her quarters. You wonder if this is how it started last time, if you just didn't notice - didn't care to? - then. The possibility alone makes you feel nauseated, ashamed you realize. You remember trying to reach out to her and being deflected - by Chakotay. This time, you vow, you won't let him speak for her.

It's been ten days since you noticed the first signs. Your requests for dinner, velocity, a walk and painting in DaVinci's studio have gone first declined, then ignored. She leaves the bridge sooner every day, and you know how this will end: with Kathryn Janeway, alone in her quarters, consumed by guilt.

When the day comes and she doesn't show up for duty, you decide it's enough. You can barely hide your contempt for the rest of the senior staff. Chakotay who looks pained but accepts her transferral of command without so much as a discussion. Tuvok doesn't show any outward sign of acknowledging the event. Harry grimaces but doesn't speak up and Tom is the only one that looks almost as exasperated as you but he too is silenced with a look from Chakotay.

During dinner you spot B'Elanna in the mess hall and push through the anxiety the idea of talking to her causes you. This is important.

'B'Elanna Torres. Do you mind if I join you?' you push out and the Klingon looks up surprised but to her credit nods through a full mouth. She eyes you expectantly, you don't usually associate much so she must be aware you have something specific on your mind. That makes things easier.

'I am... _concerned_ about the Captain's recent behavior. But I feel uncertain what to do about it.' you come out with the truth. Her eyes widen for a moment and she swallows.

'I know what you mean, but Seven... Are you sure you want to get involved in this? She's _the Captain_.' You're not sure why that matters, and you state as much.

'She is also... my friend. Don't friends help each other?' You ask, slightly irritated you even have to make the point. You knew the Captain kept herself separate from most of the crew, but you never considered that it might not be entirely of her own volition, that the position alone meant the crew didn't even _want_ to consider her as more than the larger than life persona. You feel a painful twinge in your heart at the realization.

'I guess you're right Seven. Well, the one thing I can say is: you've got to be more stubborn than her if you want to help her out of this.' You nod, the thought had occurred to you. 'She'll try to push you away. Be prepared for her to get angry at you. I know you don't get easily intimidated but believe me, if she pulls out that command whip of hers, you'll feel it. You _care_ now.'

You smile at that assessment despite the situation, you can't deny that you do. There had been a time when you enjoyed drawing the Captain's ire, where the feelings that evoked in you were welcome, maybe because she was one of the few people capable of eliciting anything but loneliness in you. But now, thinking of those moments makes you feel dread in the pit of your stomach, a mixture of shame and sadness to _have_ disappointed swirling wildly. B'Elanna goes on.

'She has a giant soft spot for you, so besides Naomi you're probably the only one she'll even consider letting close.' This makes you look up sharply. A _soft spot_? Considering all you have found out today, it doesn't seem unlikely, but you're somehow touched to think her closeness is due to _who you are_ , and not out of some sense of responsibility alone; or even because you're not part of Starfleet.

'Thank you, B'Elanna. You've given me a lot to consider.' She nods, a smile playing about on her lips.

'Don't misunderstand me Seven, we're all concerned about her. The last time she locked herself up it took a ship wide emergency to get her out. I'd like to see her heal instead, this time. I just don't believe she'd want my help with it.' While you understand where she's coming from, her words make you irrationally angry.

'Maybe you should aim to become someone she would want help from.' Is what you offer her in return and after a short burst of anger runs over her face she shakes it off and nods.

'Fair point, Seven, fair point.'

* * *

After the first chime you ask the computer who is at the door. When Seven chimes a second time, you roll your eyes. After the third chime you burrow deeper into your couch and let your eyes wander to the viewport again, staring unseeing.

At the whoosh of your door you flinch but don't move. You're not about to reward this behavior with a reaction. You _do_ listen closely for Seven's actions in your quarters.

You hear her steps leading away from you, towards the other side of the room. The terminal beeps as she keys in some commands, probably into the replicator. The artificial hum that follows confirms the suspicion. You hear the telltale clink of cutlery as Seven grabs whatever she replicated and moves again, this time in your direction.

A bowl of soup is deposited in your lap without a word, and Seven turns around, walks toward the exit and just as you chance a glance towards her, she stops.

'Please eat something, Kathryn.' is all she says before she leaves your quarters without another word.

You want to scoff at her, laugh at the notion that you require sustenance, but the sudden lump in your throat stops you. Instead you look at the bowl, see a chicken and noodle soup steaming, inhale the scent that smells like childhood, like home, and tentatively take a spoonful.

The next morning she doesn't even bother chiming, just walks into your quarters, takes a look around and moves to the replicator again. You reflexively tighten the robe around you and make a mental note to Borg-proof your doors, immediately recognizing the futility of the attempt alone. You watch her this time, perched on your couch, book open in your lap.

She replicates a stack of pancakes, orange juice, and a nutritional supplement for herself. You lift an eyebrow at the presumption but say nothing when she deposits the plate in front of you and picks up the empty bowl of soup you left on your couch table. She puts down her own supplement and proceeds to collect the empty cups and ... well, mostly cups you've strewn about your living room, and deposits them in the recycling unit. Another attentive sweep follows and your various shirts, tunics and robes are deposited there as well.

Obviously satisfied with her work she turns to you and notes that you haven't started eating yet. She sits down on the couch, takes her nutritional supplement and nods at you in what you feel might be encouragement.

'I added an extra ingredient you might enjoy.' She says and leans back, sipping calmly. For a second you feel anger rush through you and the heat of it is oh so welcome, but then she smiles shyly and you force yourself to exhale once, twice, three times and pick up the fork.

Your eyes go wide at the first bite and you feel a small smile tug at the corners of your mouth. Coffee. She added coffee flavored syrup. You don't smile, it feels wrong, but your eyes crinkle and it seems to be enough because she nods and after she's finished her supplement she gets up and leaves.

She returns that evening, and you can feel irritation start to rise. She arches her ocular implant at the glare you direct at her and you roll your eyes and turn away in a petulant show of defiance. She doesn't react, just makes her usual way to the replicator and this time, she comes back with two bowls, sets them down and then goes back to grab two more plates. You feel the dip of the couch behind you and then all you can hear are the small sounds of Seven, enjoying a meal.

Curiosity - and your sense of smell - win out and you turn to quickly grab whatever she's made. You pull the bowl and plate into your lap, still facing away from her. Tomato soup and a grilled cheese sandwich. A smile plays across your lips, she's definitely been spending too much time with Tom. You're not complaining though, Seven's rapport with the replicator results in delicious dishes. You start eating and when you hear Seven put down her bowl on the table you expect her to get up and leave, but she doesn't. You hear some rustling and then the sound of pages being turned.

You finish your food, and now that you have nothing else to occupy yourself with, the irritation you felt before twists into unease. Flashes of disintegrating bodies run through your mind and the shame and guilt hit you so hard you suck in a sharp breath. You feel like this is all too much, Seven's quiet attention mocking you, when you so clearly don't deserve to be taken care of after what you've done. She chooses that moment to put her hand on your shoulder, no doubt trying to comfort, and it's just what you needed to push you over the edge.

You stand up abruptly and push her arm away, turn and level a glare right at her. She flinches and you're satisfied, and immediately scold yourself for feeling that way. You deflate then and there, and with a sigh walk into your bedroom, flee into your ensuite, hoping she'll be gone when you come back out. You don't know how long you just sit on the floor in front of your tub, but when you finally come out again she's gone and you ignore the loss you feel at that realization.

The next morning she doesn't show up. When Alpha Shift has been well underway for an hour you stop waiting for her and scold yourself for doing so in the first place. But you look around, walk to the replicator and make yourself a small breakfast, for the first time in ten days.

She doesn't show up by dinner time either, so you curl up on the sofa and let your mind spiral down the dark paths it has been wandering as of late. When a tear falls onto your hand you realize you're crying and before you can compose yourself, tug on the mask of control, you drop your head on your knees and let the tears fall.

You don't hear her come in through the quiet sobs, but you feel her hand on your shoulder and this time, you don't pull away. She draws soothing circles on your back and you desperately want to stop being _so weak_ in front of her, want to reassert your control and command as is appropriate for the Captain. But she's been feeding you for two days already and it makes you feel soft and terrified at the same time, unaccustomed to letting anybody care for you.

You don't know how long you sit like this, but she doesn't stop, just continues the soothing strokes and slowly your breathing calms down and the tears dry up. You take a deep breath, and clear your throat.

'Thank you' Comes out croaky from the crying and the disuse of your voice, but her hand stills and squeezes your shoulder.

'I am worried about you, Kathryn.' And oh, she sounds huskier than usual. You decide it's time to stop hiding, at least from her. When you turn around there are unshed tears in her eyes, you haven't seen her this soft and sad in a while, and being the cause of it makes your determination reignite. You grab her hand, squeeze reassuringly and tell your mouth to start talking.

'I can't explain it, Seven, but I need to feel this.' tumbles out and you're a little surprised at yourself.

'What is "this"?' She asks, and of course, leave it to Seven to ask the _easy_ questions.

'What we did on that planet... What I remember doing... I can't separate from it. I have to work through these feelings of guilt, of shame.' It's mostly the truth, and when you look up at her you see she's waiting, not letting you get off the hook that easily. Ok then. 'It... mixes up with feelings I have about certain decisions I made as Captain, decisions that have cost people their lives.'

Seven nods pensively and you feel like you've just put your soul on a scale and are waiting for the weigh in. You expect to come up short.

'I have done many things as a drone - and after I've regained my humanity - that I feel... guilt and shame over. You have always made me feel safe in expressing that and have allowed me to share that... burden with you.' A slight smile ghosts over your face, you're glad she feels that way, she deserves it. But she's not done. 'All I ask, Kathryn, is that you let me be there for you, as well.'

Oh and that's it you realize as fresh tears spring to your eyes. While you contemplate whether you are brave enough to let yourself confide in her you realize she already is _right there_ next to you, the person that has made herself comfortable with you as Kathryn and still understands you'll have to be Captain at other times, is _still here_. You nod.

'Alright.' She understands, nods and settles down with a padd she must've brought with her, content to trust you to speak when you need to. You settle back into the couch, pull your book into your lap and after the first few lines your eyes drift to her, casually being there for you, and you feel relief for the first time in weeks.


End file.
